This is who I am.

2011-10-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

I've had people ask me if motherhood is what I thought it would be. I've had others ask what I think of motherhood, or how I'm adjusting. And I really don't know how to answer these questions accept with, "I'm taking it day by day" I guess. I didn't have a mom growing up so really I don't know what motherhood is supposed to be like, and I didn't have any set expectations. I just know that my real mom was not really involved in our lives and that we learned way to many indecent things at far to young of an age. So really the things that I've already committed to in my heart, mind, and soul are to be involved with my daughter and whats important to her and to protect her from whats harmful as much as I possibly can. I know I will make mistakes, every parent does i'm sure. I have a very good friend who is also a young mom tell me to trust my gut instinct and that I am a good mom. My MIL tells me every time she sees me with my baby that "I must be doing something right" and though I'm sure she means well by those words i'm not really sure how to receive them. Because they don't really reassure me that I'm a good mom they just leave more questions in my head. They're kinda vague. And others tell me good job but again its a vary vague thing to say. Coming from a childhood of no parents I kinda need solid encouragement. I need people to tell me that I am doing a good job, that my baby looks healthy, happy. That I am a good mom. Then I can honestly whole heartily give them a sincere "thank you".

Even though I tried severing ties with my real mom, I recently heard the story of a beautiful women who has walked about 2 years more in my shoes and have learned that God CAN still do work in the relationship between my real mom and myself. And though I won't understand for a a long time to come why and how my real mom was not involved more in our lives when we lived with her, and why she wasn't more protective over us. I will still choose to give her the benefit of the doubt today even if there are times that my emotions as her daughter might return to where they were. It bothers me that she thinks that she has right to being my baby's grandmother since she was never my mom. I don't know if i can or will voice these thoughts to her, and I haven't yet told my daughter about her real grandmother. Still if God wants to do work in my relationship with my real mom then I will open up a little and let him work in both her and myself. Though I am going to keep my guard up just in case, as I am sure she is to.

I have also recently written down on paper everything that my MIL has done to me that has deeply hurt me. I believe this was God moving me to write it all down. Since I have written it all down I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of me. I can't say off my shoulders or chest just off me in general. I mean like 3 quarters of my body weight is what it honestly felt like has been lifted off of me. I can talk to her now and not feel annoyed, agitated, frustrated, infuriating, betrayed, angry, heart broken, the list can go on. I feel free to treat her the way God as well as Dwayne and everyone else in our lives would want me to treat her. I however will have my guard slightly up with her just as I do with my real mom, in case I still need to protect myself. I still don't feel like its completely safe which is fine but at least there is no more tension. I hope. I was going to share this all with her but I don't know if that is needed however I do feel I need to share something with her, I just don't want it to all creep back up inside me, I want to make a public display to her between us to that its over and i forgive her but that I will still be protecting myself.

I also feel like I can better show my husband the love and respect that he needs from me since this weight has been lifted off of me. Which is nice as our daughter needs to see that to.

I love my husband and aside from God. My husband and daughter come first in my life. everyone else is last. No one comes before the other after them two. They get my attention and love and focus first after God.

I think that is all for now, just kinda felt like I had to get it all out.

2011-10-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

I have learned the hard way that I can't just walk up to someone and ask them to be my friend. Why was it so easy as kids? When I was a little girl I was able to just walk up to a another little girl and ask her to be my friend, I can't do that anymore. Has the world really become that calloused and difficult to maneuver in that I can't just ask someone out to coffee or to come watch a movie and get to know them and build on a friendship.

Ok, I got married and a year later I had a baby. Doesn't mean I need all my friends to be married with kids. I like having single friends to. I am older then you by a few years so am I to far out of your age group to hangout with, so I have a lot of wisdom for my age does that intimidate you so much that you can't hangout with me. What is my problem that young beautiful people don't want to be my friends. I feel like the little girl in me has been alienated for along time. Like she has been the one sitting on the bench while all the other girls have fun hanging out. News flash I might be married but my husband is a man and can't quite do all of those girly things that I so long to do.

Living out here away from my home family and friends so makes me miss my sisters and best friend. Girls that I felt comfortable tickling, and cuddling with, having tea with, talking about life with, going shopping with. Praying with and crying with. Going to ballets with. Why is it that the women that I have been trying to get to know are so afraid. Is it me? or something in them? What? The one person in the past 3 years who has tried to be my friend that is single is a girl that is still in high school. That is sad! Well I think thats all.

My spirit feels broken and i think it has been for a while.

2011-09-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

This is simply a vent and only because I don't have the strength in me to write it on paper so I'm typing it on here.

I feel broken inside. And I'm not sure how to get back to who I recognize myself to be, I have been clawed at and bruised. I haven't been loved the way that I need. And I have been given a piss pour example of a marriage is and so I am replication that marriage now.

I have been so clawed at and bruised that I don't even know how to show who I am anymore. I have become such a defensive person, that i don't even know how to be a loving person.

Dwaynes mom has verbally beaten up on me so much that I don't trust her and don't know how to talk to her. Dwayne is so worried about money/our finances that I can never go to the one place in the city that I love the most THE RIVER I love being down by the river I think it is the most beautiful place in the whole city I don't care what season it is its the most beautiful place to be. And my husband doesn't like going down there because it costs money to drive down there. I can't dance with him because he doesn't know how to dance in any way that is outside of how he was taught in high school. There are so many things that I feel like I have been held back in because my husband doesn't like doing them and I want to share them with him. I am an incredibly passionate person and I feel like that has just been bottled up so much that I don't know who I am anymore. Anytime I have asked him to do something with me that is fun or adventurous he says no but then he expects me to do something he likes with him and because I love him I do it but then when I ask him to do something with me its always no. Should I just stop asking him to do things with me and do them by myself? What fun is that when you can't share them with someone? He is such a conservative person and I feel like he always expects me to be incredibly conservative to. I'm not a conservative person I shouldn't be forced to be one. I'm not just passionate about right and wrong I'm passionate about life, enjoying the simple things living for the big things, pouring into peoples hearts and lives. ADVENTURE I seriously feel like I'm being held back. And I'm sick of being controlled. I'm sick of lack of communication, and christianese people. I'm sick and tired of my mother in law and how she talks to me/ treats me. And everyone else. I'm sick of the fact that she has been a pastors wife for over a decade and she is the most dishonest person I know, that is so bad that even her husband is starting to notice that she lies to him. If you cannot be blatantly honest with your own spouse then you have serious issues and should work them out asap. I want to love with all my heart like I used to be able to do. I want to be spontaneous in little and big ways. I want to be able to give without any worries. I'm sick of feeling held back in who I am and I'm sick of being so bruised that I can't love like I used to be able to. I hate that the closest example that I have to a marriage is the worst example that I have ever seen. I feel like I'm getting to a breaking point. The people who have been geographically closest to me are the ones who have caused all of this negetive change in me and I hate that!

I love my husband he is amazing and I love who he is and how he has been in my life. I love that I don't have to say anything to have him understand and i'm beginning to realize that i under estimate him ALOT!! I just wish that he would give me more freedom to be who I am and not who he wants me to be. I wish that him and I weren't so selfish in our marriage. And I also wish that his parents weren't our closest example of a marriage cause they suck at being married.
I love how big of a kid he can be. And I wish that we could always be the fun loving couple that we were when we first started dating. I also love him as my fathers baby.

I hate how whenever you talk to Kim about something or confront her she is completely ignorant to everything and makes everyone else feel guilty just to make herself feel better.

I LOVE my father in law. I didn't at first him and I seriously bumped heads with him but ever since he has accepted me as his daughter in law. I have been growing in a great relationship with him and I can honestly say that I LOVE him as if he was my own father.

I love how much I have learned about the church ever since I have been apart of the Ayars family.

I miss my own family. People who truly know me for me. They don't judge me in any way. They are not ignorant to how they treat me. Or make me feel guilty for confronting them or for defending myself. They don't control me in anyway. They just plain love me the way Jesus tells them to. And they love my husband the same way.

I think I am done I feel better now that it is all out.

I'm a new mom here is the adventure so far...

2011-09-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

My first week in the hospital was lots of fun (hint the sarcasm). I've learned fast that a lot of people will give me unsolicited advice and a lot of them don't know what they are talking about, I still need to study everything myself and talk to the doctor or ask the nurses/doctors in our family.

I've also learned that handing my baby off to a complete stranger to hold is scary! And won't be happening all the time. I don't like the shock that it gave my system. My MIL has to listen to me as a mom because she is grandma not mom. Waiting for my hormones to fall back into place is about as much fun as having them fall out of place while I was pregnant. I now understand that new normal that Dustin said that we would be getting used to. I LOVE MY LITTLE ANALISE soo much. She is a doll. I have more support then I know what to do with so postpartum depression might not be a problem for me. We will see. Oh yes and she is already a month old! Time flies. That is all for now.

2011-06-30T08:08:00.001-07:00

Its June 30 I work today and I'm kinda lookin up on the next month with great anticipation. It starts with my anniversary then my baby shower, as well as a wedding the next day, my little sister will be down to visit for a week. Its gonna be a very busy month. Plus i'm still working. We are expecting our baby in Aug but really the little guy/gal could come anytime. I'm excited for when they are here, we know what they are and they are finally named. I look forward to having my baby boy/girl at home. Cuddling the little furnace, feeding it the nourishing milk, loving it, and washing it grow. I however am slowly getting sick of calling my baby and it. But I don't really know what else to call it. Then there is the fact that I am celebrating my anniversary this weekend, I have learned many things over this past year. I don't think I've stopped learning since I moved out to saskatoon the first time actually but this year has been different as I've been learning with someone very special. My husband has become one of the most special, significant, most important people in my life. He has changed me in so many ways. And knows me better then anyone.

The one thing I have grown very sick and tired of is people speaking negetively into my life and our marriage. Telling me I'm someone I'm not just to lift themselves up, or comparing my marriage to someone else's. I am going to put my foot down from now on and say to be completely honest. Good or Bad I really I don't care what you have to say about my marriage. The only people'a opinions who matter is Gods and my husbands and mine. And unless the Holy Spirit is speaking through you or you have been someone to positively encourage us or lift us up as husband and wife I don't give a rats ass as to what you have to say. My marriage is not someone else's its mine excusively, I am not anyone else less then who God made me to be.

As for me as a mom will thats a whole new ball game and you better believe that I WILL speak up if YOU are speaking out of your ass without using your head. I'm not going to be people's door mats anymore. If you don't have anything nice to say shut up and leave me and my family alone. Because we don't need a mouth like you around.

2011-03-18T21:37:00.000-07:00

I feel like i need to recognize certain people in my life. And right here is the only place i can do it and know that no one will be reading.

Anyone who knows me, knows that i'm pregnant. Little do they know, how little i truly enjoy carrying a baby. I so can't wait to have this baby and be a mom and share with such an amazing man by my side. I can't wait to see how adorable and amazing this baby is going to look and marvel at how it will grow through the day, weeks, months, years to come. I just don't like carrying it and thats just how i am. I also don't like how self concious i have become since i got pregnant. People tell me i look good but i don't see it and sure do not feel it. I was a knock out before i got pregnant i had a body that i loved, i did not take care of it and wish i had but i didn't have to it was naturally a good figure. ANd it could go back to being a good figure after i have the baby but right now i don't feel attractive, i hate seeing extra fat on my thighs, i'm not sure how i feel about my breasts being 2 sizes bigger then they were, i love feeling the baby move around for the most part but i'm not to much of a fan of being pregnant. If i could have the baby and keep my body i would be happy. Maybe we will adopt one child and have 3.

But, now for my thanking certain people and looking back on things and wanting to share my job of having a new family. Rose, Barry Archer, Melissa, Krist Goldman, My amazing and wonderful husband who i have learned to love more and more every day. Our amazing pastors whos prayers and support help us out so much! I don't know where i would honestly be without the amazing people in my life. I feel like i've come to a point where i can stand on my own two feet and be confident in me, and my place in life and i have soo many people to thank for that. I look back on my life, and the past 4 years and i see how much God has done for me, and how far he has brought me and i continue to stand in awe. I marvel at how great and amazing and powerful, gentle, sensitive he is, how much he loves me and us. Enough to give us a child. SOmething to look forward to and be happy about in our hard times. Even though we have not had it cery easy I feel immensly blessed and loved by God.

My rollercoaster

2010-09-21T21:05:00.001-07:00

We found a place to live for oct. We are counting down the days till we move in and Kris Peterson is moving in with us. We are all ecstatic. We are having a house warming party to celebrate.

I am finding out all the time that my moms cancer just continues to get worse. And while I am in saskatoon and can't be at home for my parents on a daily basis so everytime I go home to visit its a blow to my system so Im pretty much just waiting till i go home next for the funeral.
She's dieing and I'm hurt and I'm going to miss her but I don't want to see her suffer anymore. I want her to let go and be with the lover of her soul. I will miss her and I do worry for certain other people in my family because of this.

Then my real mom who has found out how I really feel about her, I almost feel a sense of freedom from her finding out. I feel like for years that I have been trying to make her happy with me and make her feel loved. I think I have been lieing to myself. She's has been trying to force me to make relationship with my family. Really she has been trying to control me. I honestly feel freedom but its like my sister said the door is ajar enough that I can put it aside and not worry about it right now.

I finally got my sister to understand that I'm not niave like i used to be and i really do understand and can make my own decisions and realize things on my own. That I am my own person and am mature enough. But when I think of it my inlaws tend to treat me the same way. Its almost like I have been fighting for a long time to be my own adult. And make my own choices. My husband sees that I have to fight for my own choices in Calgary but really I have to do that here to. So does Dwayne.

I'm not completely sure how I totally feel about my real mom finding out about how i truly feel. Mabye this is something that will lead her straight to God. Maybe this will cause her to actually cry out to God for a change. I had the word melancholy pass through my mind to kinda describe how I feel but after looking the work up i'm not sure thats the right word. I feel sad but glad at the same tine I mean I have been keeping that from my mom for a very long time trying to make her feel like my mom. But yet I have never really felt like she treated me like a daughter.
She never supported me like a daughter we have always been friends and she has always treated me like her 'friend' literally! And then she would turn around and tell me "i don't care what you call me or if you have a second mom as long as I am mom first and your mom first" I have been lieing to her for years. Its almost liberating knowing that I don't have to hide anymore. I mean don't get me wrong I feel bad for how she now feels but at the same time I don't feel torn anymore. I don't feel like I have a bind on my heart like I'm being forced to love someone anymore. I don't want to love someone just because I am related to them I want to love someone because I really do! I will come around to some spot in the future where I can really truly grow in relationship with her and not be forced to love her but truly love her. But for right now I am going to focus on me and my life. And not let her and who she is affect me anymore. I know who i want to be and who God wants me to be and I'm going to focus on that for now and put in this in a box on the shelf for now. So really in the end I guess I can say Thank you Twila you have allowed me to grow more.

Who I am

2010-09-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

I was born 2.5 months early and I almst died my second month in, my mom even dressed me in cabbage patch doll clothing to. I was the second youngest of 5 children and my mom had the oldest when she was like 17. Due to unfortunate circumstances and unhealthy living enviroment my younger brother was put into foster care as well as my two older brothers and myself.
I don't remember a whole lot about living with my real mom except for my little brother with black teeth which I later found out was because my mom used to always give him suger water to drink, and my two old brothers always running the streets causing trouble. Since I was only 5 when we were taken thats pretty well all the memory that comes to mind.

My two older brothers and I were then put into care with a nice couple that had a big white dog. We were not with this couple for very long, I remember having a kitchen set that was out on the back porch and my foster mom Jenny giving me a brown teddy bear that I kept for a very long time. When I look back on it I think if they had the choice they would have adopted us.

About 6 or maybe 7 months after living with that couple the three of us were placed into a third foster home where we stayed for about 6 years. This home was where I remember having most of my good childhood memories with and without my brothers. It was as stable as we were going to get for a while. My brothers still running wild through the neighborhood, me playing in the backyard until I was old enough to leave the backyard. Then little to my foster dads knowledge I went wild to! Well to an extent. I was boy crazy, even at a young age. My brothers taught me everything they knew, how to hop fences, how to bike ride, roller blade, shoot hockey pucks into the net. where the best place was to get berries and peas and stuff. The funnest parks, the coolest places to play. I was really care free. I didn't have a whole lot of friends. One girl down the street her family and my brothers. But we had alot of good childhood memories. I think the reason it was so stable was because our foster mom was still alive in the beginning so our foster dad had help. But when she passed though I don't really remember her it got harder. When I look back on it remember him being more angry shortly before we left. I also remember him saying as I was moving out with my suit case I asked him "do you think you will ever get more kids?" and he said "no, not unless you kids want to move back". I never understood why he said that. I wasn't happy enough to stay!

When I was close to 9 or 10 I can't completely remember the exact age my oldest brother Daryl was sepereated from us, and then when I was 11 Dustin and I were given the option of moving into a new foster home with people that seemed to be really nice. Hence the word 'seemed'. How do I begin this journey in my life. Dustin moved in shortly after I did but only lasted there about a year. My foster parents couldn't handle him and thought it easier to send him away. Poor guy first he loses his mom, then his brother and now his sister. No wonder he fled the house. Anyway he was pretty much unreachable from then on. And by that I mean no one could get through to him. So there I was in this house with this family that I had no choice but to call my own. As a whole or at least in the beginning they weren't a half bad family, but when you dug beneath the surface they had alot of scarecrows and skeletons in their closets. They were really really hurt people, lost and scared just like I was they just never knew that they were.

So I had to search out what I thought was good and stick to that, this was not an easy job for someone as niave as I was at only 11 years old. There was a foster brothers gf who was pretty cool and taught me what she thought it meant to be a women full of confidence. And she wanted to be my fav aunt. She was pretty cool given that she was only like my age now when I was 11.
God did send me different little jems here and there, through the year but again being to nieve I couldn't understand one thing to another and had to make the best decision possible.

I don't think that I did a half bad job, coming from previous physical and sexual abuse I did a pretty good job at protecting myself considering that I was pshycologically messed up for some years. So very long story short once I no longer had my brothers to teach my everything I started teaching myself everything and got hurt alot in my childhood.

I reunited with my real mom when I was 15 and also with my real brothers. This was probably one of the most confusing times in my life for me. As I was comfortable in the foster family that I had and my mom was a complete stranger to me. I wanted to meet her and get to know her but I didn't know how to go about doing so. For many years of being in touch with my real mom I fought her, and rebelled against who she was. She always said that I was her daughter but I never did understand how I was her daughter. Besides the fact that we look exactly alike.
My character wasn't like her, my personality wasn't completely like her either. My strong will didn't even have comparison to hers. I didn't want to be anything like her at any stage in my life.
And I was not proud of her at all. She didn't pass down anything to me that I wanted, and once she was in touch with me she tried forming me into the daughter that she wanted me to be instead of accepting and loving the girl that I was, needless to say aside from the fact that I evidently resembled her in every way besides my toes. I always questioned how she could call me her daughter.

When I was 20 yrs old. My moms common law man passed away. He was a strong part of my moms life, she had built a life with him for close to 15 years. And since both of my brothers were apart of that life in one way or another. And I did not know a thing of this man at all. I decided that I was not going to let the same thing happen to my mom and me. Have her pass away and me not know her. So I pursued a relationship with her. Though it was only short lived something like 2 years long. I suppose it was the timing. We were all growing up and moving on with life. I still got to know my mom and the life that she lived. It gave me a lot of understanding with my moms life at that time, and my brothers.

When I turned 18 I met this other family that really knew God. God somehow just led me to them and I just never left. They eventually accepted me as their own along with their extended family. And the love that my previous families could not poor into me over the many years this family did. And it enriched and changed my life in so many ways. They taught everything that it meant to be family. How to love and support each other. How to always be there for one another.

I never really knew how much I meant to this large loving welcoming family until the day that I moved away to another province. Interesting thing is their love didn't stop. It only conitnued in different ways. Even the people I went to college with were surprised with how much love i recieved through packages and letters and cheques.

However moving away did cause me to grow so much more. And since I did the growing far enough away that my new found family members didn't get to see it on a daily basis, when I went home to visit they still saw me as the young, fragile, niave, girl that came into their hearts and homes so many years ago. Even now that I'm married some still do see me as that to an extent.

When I moved to Saskatoon and just short of starting school I met a guy who shared the same heart and passion for ministry as I did, and the more and more that he came to the school the more and more I wanted to get to know him. He was not attending the school he was simply visiting his friends and since I was attending the school we became friends. Through the year God worked in me and helped me grow through things and understand things, this new friend and I grew as friends more and more. Through the year I got to know about his family and friends and the things that he experienced growing up and the poeple who impacted his life, and we became really good friends. A relationship was not really on my mind as God was taking me through alot while in school. But as the school year came to an end, and I did not end up in a single relationship, I looked back on the school year and realized how much I had been through and asked God why he took me through so much so fast. As the summer went by and June comes to an end my new great friend asked me to be his girl friend, and me being shocked that someone this amazing would want to be in a relationship with me! I didn't say yes I just didnt' say no. However I didn remind him that if we started this we were going to be in it forever.

And as time passes and we are constantly being changed in this consistantly growing relationship meeting new challenges overcoming new obstacles. Defeating old issues. getting to know each others large families and lives. He actually asked me to marry him and well I would have been a fool to say no.

The life that I was given when I stood in front of our friends and family and said yes was so much more then I could ask for, I have been blessed beyond words. I'm married I have a last name that comes with two parents that are still together, grand parents on both sides. A brother that never comes home. and a huge extended family that used to over whelm me now sometimes makes me cry happy tears with how amazing they are. Yes this is my family the family that I married into, but they dont' completely understand that I still have days where I am in aww of what I have been given when I said I do! I do still have my family back in calgary to. And my real family is out there. But now I have my own family plus their last name to boot!

I do love all of my family and friends I cherish them so much more now that I see how fast life is going by.

This is who I am. And how I get to share who I am with everyone I know now.

Learning about being married!!!

2010-04-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

So I'm getting married in 76 days. And I am learning every day more and more what it means to be married. When I am with others who are not christians or I am with single friends.

For and example today I was cruisen around town with my friend Kathleen, she is a fun girl to hangout with she reminds me alot of myself when I was a teenager which is kinda scary but fun just the same. She knows what I believe and what I stand for and respects that. And she respects all of who I am, but I had to remind myself while I was with her that what she was doing is not who I am and I am not a part of it, but I still let her have her fun. I forgot to mention that she was getting the attention of alot of guys that were driving by. She was a good looking girl driving a muscle truck so go figure guys will look!

But in the case I had alot of fun cruisen around with her blarring that country music out the window and she let me stop into taco time to see my honey and get some food ( bonus for me)

I just kept in mind that I am engaged soon to be married and I can have my fun with her but there is a line I need to draw for myself and that she does respect. I think God warned me a bit before I left the house by touching my spirit a little letting me know to be on my gaurd.

Other then that I have also started pre marital counseling and so am learning even more what I need to do for my hubby to be, an example would be
as he is learning to make good boundaring with his mom, I am learning to respect his relationship with his mom which is a bit of a stretch for me since I have been emotionally disconnected from my real parents for many years now I am relying on the guidence of the Holy Spirit when in my own relationship with his mom. I am also learning how to have more grace for her which is nice and a plus in my mind.

Pastor Larry has said that he has alot of grace for newly weds as they are learning how to live with each other. And I didn't understand that at first but I do now.

I am hoping and praying that as the days go by and we do get married and learn how to live with each other that God will guide us and help us. God please help me first and far most. Please please please

Torn to Shreds

2010-03-23T20:34:00.000-07:00

This is a vent again with hopes that it might somehow lift me back up....

Does anyone know how it feels to be torn to pieces from a mother figure anyone at all.
Well I officially do...again! Am I just that much of a horrible person that people just want to rip me apart and leave to to put the pieces back together? As I type this I feel like crying. And maybe I should since I havent cryed yet since she tore me apart, or at leawst ripped a strip out of me which also consisted of the remains of my heart that felt love towards her..

I mean its not like I haven't been through anough with her and her husband no she had to finish the job.

I think the other two are smart by staying away at least that way they get as little of this crap as possible.

I always admired the relationship that Ruth and Niome had in the bible and I always hoped that I would have that same relationship with my future mother in-law. I guess that was just like every other dream or wish just blown out the window never to be seen again. I don't think I am even going to have that. I don't think I will ever be enough for her. Or worthy of her sons heart. I know that we need to find our acceptance and affirmation in God alone. But how do I continue to love my monster in-law when all she ever wants to do is blame me for everything that goes bad in her sons life. And pretty without words having to be spoken that I will never be good enough or add up to her standard (which by the way is that high but in her head it is) There are times when she takes such a toll on me or our relationship that I just want to say I H*** her but I refuse to use that word toward anyone. Its to strong and can do damage. I can say this I will not ever be able to call her mom esp in my heart. I mean I was almost to that point but now I don't know its going to have to be built back up. All over again. I've been to this place before with both my parents, and I think a part of me always kmew I would be there with his to. I guess silly me I just hoped all over again. OHH HOD HELP ME I AM SOOO DISTANT FROM YOUR LOVE FOR OTHERS ( AT LEAST FOR HER) THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE I JUST WANT TO H***

I am done. As I said it was just a vent.

its just a vent.

2010-02-28T19:39:00.001-08:00

Ok so unlike my beautiful intellectual sister I cannot write up this grand entry and I did have success once so I will try again......I have soo much on my brain its annoying!!!

Ok so I will begin with this I MISS MY FAMILY AND KRIS AND MELISSA!!!
I have my man I know on a daily basis but I don't have a whole lot of deep relationships out here and thats what hurts. My deep relationships are back home and I just miss laughing with them and walking and talking and crying with them. I miss getting hugs from them and restling that starts off as tickling. I miss twister the hotspot! And pride and prejudice. Dressing up in our favorite dresses just to go out for supper or go to a ballet. I miss having girls around me to be me. And family who doesn't judge me or breath down my mans neck for oweing them money.

I've been working 2 pt jobs for the past almost 8 months. And one of them is no longer in place. She doens't need me for march. And I finally just spoke to my manager at JB's about how I have been responding to her and how she talks to me and I think I have everything smoothed over with her I hope anyway.

Dwayne and I just signed onto a company called FHTM Canada. Its a great opportunity to make residual income and in a few ways that are big to me. It has turned me into a business women over 3 weeks and had me pretty busy. I think it can be related to a ministry.

Being engaged isn't always easy, esp when you are getting married to someone who's past is complete opposite from yours. But I have always been confident in your future and who we are as a couple. Its just getting to the future has been hard.

I have had issues in the past with attachments in relationships which consequently comes from my past growing up. Its not something I can just get rid of, it kinda re-occurs when ever someone leaves my life. And it doesn't always happen to every friendship or relationship that I try to pursue, just some. It might be a reason why I'm so shy and awkward around curtain people. And could also be a reason as to why I have a hard time building a relationship with God.
I wish I could be free from this and not have any problem with it. I wish this could be another lesson I could teach to future foster kids in my future.

And I'm sure like so many I also have seasonal depression so to a degree in the winter I am just not as happy in life. And unfortunately saskatoon winters are cold very cold.

There is a huge part of me that wants to move back to Calgary even if just for 3 years I want to go back and have time with my family. Let my children see my old childhood haunts. And make new memories with my new family. Share new stories with old friends and build new bridges where old ones were once burnt maybe God be willing witness I soul or two being saved.
cough Kris cough or even Chasey or Jeana. Those two would be great to.

Now for the present time I am getting married in 4 months. And I am excited I think. There is a part of me that feels hopeless when Dwayne and I are fighting usually because it is over something that is going on inside of me. Something that I don't have all the answers to, unfortunately I grew up in foster care and there are things that aren't going to change over night. And somethings that won't change just cause I'm engaged. I love my husband to be and I already feel so comfortable calling him that. I just wish I coul figure myself out a whole lot better. And I wish that him and I weren't so selfish. I wish that we would think of the other in all circumstances. And i wish that I could seriously figure out why I have had such a hard year. Why is it that its so difficult for me to live back in saskatoon. I mean did I move back to soon. I know that God is working in me while I'm here. But at the same time I have been struggling in so many other ways. Can I never just have a moment of rest. Silence and solitude.

Another part of me wants us to move to Calgary so that we can be around a family that will pour into us positively, and spiritually and not question our every move and intention. And not push everything onto us. I love growing in my relationship with Dwayne and being able to share that with my family because my dad always encourages us. And never ever judges us. I want to live out in Calgary even just for a few years before we move to B.C. Have that fresh start to share the everyday with a family that doesn't drain us but feeds into our love and life.

Planning a wedding hasn't been easy. I go to my dad for advice because D's parents don't know and try convincing me I'm someone I'm not, and I always know what my dad will say but sometimes its just nice to hear. And I always try to hold strong to his words.

Faye if and when you read this, I completely understand your snakes and ladders. I kinda feel the same way just in my own way. I love you Girl so very much.

My current up dates

2009-01-28T22:08:00.001-08:00

I first wrote this post on my fb account but wanted to put it on here since my last blog post was just before christmas. I had to get these feelings out so thats why I wrote it. But some of these things have been changing so I will share with you the change..................

When I first moved back to Sask, I wanted it all right away. I knew What GOd had planned and I really wanted it now. I didn't want to wait and waiting was getting harder the longer it took. I found someone who could be a spiritual and personal mentor to me. In my eyes she is absolutely beautiful. And has knowledge that I want poured into me. And a gift that probably required wisdom and patience and the right timing. Which is what I need with certain other gifts of my own. I am still getting to know her. Which also requires my patience.I've had a mentor before but its not the same each time around. I go to a great church where I know I will grow a great deal, but again I need to wait for that. When I was in Calgary I was working at a daycare, I LOVE kids and they love me. I have a very spacial way with kids, much like I do with teens as well. But with kids its instant almost. All I need to do is get down to their level physically, and emotionally. With teens it takes just a little bit more effort. I don't know completely when God is going to allow me to be one on one with kids again. I miss the kids. I love working with them. Learning Chinese from them. Every child brings something unique of their own to you and it stays in your heart forever. Kind of like how poeple who have owned dogs say never give your heart to a dog because when they are gone part of your heart leaves. Sometimes its that way with kids every child that I have worked with at a daycare or have had at camp as a campe theyr have stayed in my heart forever. And I know that, that is given to me from God. BUt it makes me after a while want to be with children all over again. Then there is my circle of friends that have yet to grow. I have some good friends here in the province. Faye Materi, Amanda Hacking, Caitlin Wappel, my room mate Amanda G. Jannessa, (that one was kind of unexpected) I do not want to forget Starla Klinger (my first and least forgotten about friend in the city I love you girl) I know that I will not have a big circle of friends I do not want that. These beautiful women are my good friends girls that I can share my heart with and vise versa. My only best friend is Dwayne. I do not have a single one friend that I am closer connected with besides God. And I know that scripture tells me that God is my friend but so often he is so much more then that. He is my father, and my first love. I also wait for things to unfold for Dwayne which to me is soo exciting. Life just feels like its..............not as slow as a snail, and its not matropolis fast, its just slowed down from what I'm used to in Calgary it feels like its slowing down and I think that's part of the waiting process that God has me going through. Even my body is learning to slow down. In the mean time there is a few things that I am very thankful for right now. My place which Jahovah Jirah provides for me. My home church, I have haven't had a home church since I first left CLC in Calgary, Courts of Praise is a blessing to me. My room mate she has no idea how blessed I feel to be able to share a place with her, she is amazing. My boyfriend/bestfriend is one of the biggest blessings in my life. Him and his family continue to teach and reteach me so much. I feel like I am more then blessed I feel like I am favoured. How do you know when its safe to confess that over yourself? I think this note is done. I guess its really kind of more of a journal or blog entry but I felt like putting it here my way of showing people where I am at right now. So enjoy and God bless.

Um Sharon Beere told me that she was happy that I found someone who could be a mentor. And I thought I did to. I went over to Becky's house with Amanda this week for a great 3 hour long talk that was a great blessing from God for both of us. We both anjoyed it! Becky Thomas is our Pastors wife. Larry is a great pastor. They have an amazing connection as husband and wife. Which Dwayne and I have both noticed. And there is a lot that they could probably feed into out lives but thats just it.......... I did have a spiritual mentor a couple years back or less. But that was when I was a baby christian still trying to find my way. Now I am mature personally and spiritaully. And I don't think that I necessarily need 1 direct mentor.... God gave me the confidence a long time ago to be able to make my own decisions. Yes there is times that I sometimes might still fumble places but that is usually when I am at home in front of my dad! But, that also taught me something while I was at home as well. The parallels between an earthly father and God as our father. When I moved home it was as though God stepped aside and my dad(berry archer) stepped up. It kind of frustrated me and it made me tell him to stop but regardless he continued. He knew his place in my life, I did not to the full I guess. And he was confident in that, I was not. Now! I am..... He might not be my real or blood father but he is the man that God chose to father me and I accept to the fullest degree. As for not needing a direct one person mentor. I have Godly confidence to walk inmy own decision making. and opinion. If I do not have understanding then that is where the people in my lfe come into play and help me out, that or God gives me the understanding directly to me from himself. 1 reason however that I like being in Saskatoon and not Calgary is that God leads my way not my parents. Sorry mom and dad( archer) I love you but I'm ready to be on my own. One of my best decisions that I think I made was saying yes to being someones girlfriend 7 months ago hoping that I will one day become his wife. I was told that there are three very important decisions that you will make in your life. 1) accepting Christ into your heart, 2)the person you will marry, 3)your first morgage. I have yet to do the third and technically the second since I do not have a ring yet. ;) I also realized that my growth I thought God had planned in my church might not be exactly what I thought it was or as big as I thought it would be, just goes to show you never really do know what God has planned you can only wait. Which sometimes can be hard but worth it in the end. I hope my friends enjoy this post.

It Christmas time...

2008-12-14T16:27:00.000-08:00

Well everyone is shopping, all the programs are coming on t.v. Santa's in town. And everyones in the festive spirit........I still cna't help but fell just a little un festive this season. I feel like my present is waiting for me back in the cold climate of Saskatoon. I love my family and am enjoying spending time with my brother while my parents are gone I enjoyed buying a tree for my first time this year. And being the first to pull out the decorations don't get me wrong I can get into it. But still it feels like the one person that shares my strong beliefs and thoughts about all the hustle and bustle of christmas and pressnts and having it be just about Jesus and being with the people you love is waiting back in Saskatoon for boxing day to come and see me. Thats the one true present I really truly want this year is him nothing can be store bought enough I want to share this season with him.

Again another safe place for me to put down whats deep inside where only Faye will read. And by then it will probably be months after this post.

going through an interesting experience...

2008-12-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

Just before I moved back I went for coffee with my friend Starla and one thing she said to me that I have remembered was in her life God is first, her husband is her best friend, and everyone else are friends. I agreed with that but did not completely understand it until now! Dwayne just came to visit me during the last weekend of November we went to see Gregg Johnson at my old church this was an interesting experience for both him and I. I did not know why God didn't want me back at this church, its a good church its growing immensely. So when I went back I was not completely sure what to expect, It turned out to be a great visit Dwayne got to see one of his favorite speakers and I was able to introduce him to people who have feed into me as a baby Christian. I also got a lot of "you look really good" comments which made me feel really good. Little did I know that this was going to cause a change in me. I don't know when the change happened but I noticed it sun during the day. I did forget to mention that Dwayne came down with him brother, brothers friend, and mom. So when they got to their hotel which is where I met them :) Scott and Dustin stayed at the hotel and Kim came to the house to relax and I guess meet mom and dad. A nice comfortable casual visit didn't hurt it was actually nice and not very long either. ( I just realized that this is the second time Kim and Scott have gotten to know about me or my life without Morley, I think thats how i spell his name) Then we went to CLC. The sat night wasn't anything much but the sun was where the change happened I saw so many people that day introduced Dwayne to everyone I wanted to, got to catch up with some people it felt great even having Dwayne and his family there it felt absolutely great! On the sun I noticed how much I just wanted to spend time with Dwayne, have his arms around me, look into his eyes see his smile did I mention being in his arms. My heart somewhere over night somehow completely opened to him I couldn't hide it and couldn't help but embrace him. I also noticed how, somehow Melissa had stepped down as my best friend and Dwayne stepped up. I wasn't sure and still am not sure how to take to it. I just know how I feel with those two and thats it. Melissa is still a very dear friend to my heart. As is Amanda, Sharon, Heather. But Dwayne is my best friend the one perosn I want to share everything with spend every second with aside from God that is, But I still want to be able to be a friend to Melissa and Amanda and my friends that are not in relationships or married as I'm sure i will be one day. If you read this I just ask that you pray for God to give me understand through this transition. i feel like I might very well be embracing the last few times I get with my close to heart loved ones. Like my time back here was a gift almost.

Waiting patiently and loving passionatley while still growing.

2008-10-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

I am not to sure how to start this post but its time it gets out of my heart and iether in a journal on here or poured out into someone and really all three will work to.

Well I guess the best place to start is at the beginning, when I moved home two weeks after starting my job I got this feeling for 2 full days (and if anyone knows me spiritually you will know that I have an incredibly sensitive spirit) sometimes through these days it was stronger then but non the less it was there. I knew it was regarding Dwayne and marrying him one day. when that day comes is a different story. But it helped me to be totally comfortable with talking to him about the future. And at first he wasn't used to it but then he grew to be used to it. He always wanted his first girlfriend to be his future wife. So needless to say we have been talking about it for like a month now. More about that later. Um about the first week of Sept my good friends Heather and Andrew got engaged and I was ecstatic for them I still am. Then I found out that Amanda H. and Josh got engaged and again because I relate with the 2 of them i nearly cried for them when I got off the phone with Amanda. She is going to be a beautiful bride and that wedding is going to be an event to remember so many people I know are going to be there it will be great. And I get to go to Heather and Dustin's wedding in a week and some. Um that will be interesting for me because it will only be my second time since camp seeing that big bunch of Dwayne's life. So Dwayne noticed like a month and some ago on the phone that we have actually been talking about marriage and realized that we are growing as a couple. This was before he came to visit me at the end of Sept we mentioned it while we were watching a movie in my basement but no more the a few minutes, We mostly just wanted to enjoy each others company in the little time that we had and not worry about anything. It was nice. But since he went home and time has passed. We have been talking a lot more about marriage plans and such. Even how many kids him and I would want to have. That one was kind of a surprise I didn't expect to talk about that one till at least being engaged. BUt its out and can't be taken back. Now that I'm getting this out it's easier to wait and i"m able to be 100% genuinely happy for my friends getting married. I know I have to wait for Dwayne and I am fully willing to do that. I do love him. I did struggle with everyone else getting married but as soon as I realized it was a problem I started praying for patience and also started talking to my girl friends about it. And typing it out on here definitely helps a great deal. I don't want to push him. And definitely want both of us to be ready when it happens. So patient I will be as well as surprised when I does ask me. Apparently he's already got it planned he jut does not know when it will happen. So um yeah. If you would like to pray for me it would be appreciated. Thank you

Visit number one

2008-09-28T21:25:00.000-07:00

He got here on Thursday and my heart raced and thudded against the walls of my rib cage. I hadn't seen him in a month and though that might seem like not very long it felt like forever. Its much different growing in a long distance a lot of the time it makes me want to move back to Saskatoon now but I must wait for now. In Gods hands he will be and so will I. It felt good to hug him once again and to hold his hand. I look forward to the day when we can grow daily face to face. Friday was interesting as both of our patience was tested but the by the evening were both relaxed in each others company. We both found that amazing. sat was spent with Amanda G. at the zoo this was fun. She is a great tour guide and sat night was spent with Amanda G. and Melissa my very best friend and sister in Christ. The four of us went bowling and Amanda and Melissa were finally given a chance to meet in way that made them feel comfortable and they hit it off. Great I got us all stranded at the deerfoot mall at 20 to 12 when Dwayne and I had to wake up early to go hiking in the mountains. Which was also great I loved that to, that consisted of Nolan and Sherry, mom and dad, Faye and Dan and Dwayne and I. I enjoyed that I also enjoy that Faye's boyfriend Dan and Dwayne have made a great connection and very easily I might add. Unfortunately an hour after we got back from hiking we had to rush him to the airport and I made me cry to see him leave and have me not go back with him. I definitely hid my tears. But I seriously wish I would have been on that plane with him. On the plus half I do get to see him in a week and few days I am going by plane so I get to see him fast and get a full 5 days with him. I look forward to that it will be fun despite how busy it will be. fun just the same.

Putting my dreams in his hands....

2008-08-25T18:05:00.000-07:00

I think it best if I put my thoughts on here that way if anyone wanted to they could encourage and stuff. Not to different from my previous blog just more about the future. I have an incredible boyfriend. Who is also one of my very best friends. Someone I have come to trust and love to be with. I did not say yes to being his girl for nothing after 10 months of friendship it would have been a waste of a friendship to say yes and not whole heartedly mean it. Faye you may laugh at this one. Yes I met him at bible college! GRR I can't even justify it here's why. I was going to the school even though he was not. His program was cut two years prior I still met him at the school we hung out at the school, grew to know each other at the school. So long explanation short I met Dwayne at BIBLE COLLEGE not bridle college. He asked me out 2 months after school ended. Needless to say God has a sense of humor. Anywho of track. I got to know Dwayne quite well through the school year and this past summer I pretty much got to see face to face everything that I got to know about his life. And well if anyone knows me you will know that I came to love what I got to know face to face. The camp is incredible, though I was shy with his friends the first time around out there that will come in time and they are great people. Bebe singing about grandmas kitchen table was music to my heart. And double portion is aww striking they are a family that sings gospel/country music and they are beautiful. If I could use one thing from my relationship now even though it has only been two months. It is don't ever let anyone tell you "it will never work, your pasts are to different" Mine and Dwanye's pasts are completely polar opposites and we both think its absolutely beautiful we both desire the same thing in life and family. And God can and has used our pasts for each other already. I have had many different things come to my mind and heart ever since him and I were only just about to be a couple and I have continuously had to give those to God and will have to conitnue to until God's good and right timing. But I do love him. I have ever since we were only just friends. It is that love that God gives me that will carry me through my time away from him. The camp, the friends, the laughter and tears. The good times. And precious moments. They will be there when we visit but they will also be our souviners, I will miss him but at the same time I will see him again. Dwayne you are not on here but I still will say I do love you. God I also love you more and more everyday. You have been so good to me I finally feel like I'm coming upon your blessings and there is only so much more for me in store thank you for everything in my life. I love you for who you are how big you have been and how great you have been to me and my family in the past years. NO one will ever be greater then you ever. I love you.

As I come home.....

2008-08-08T10:49:00.000-07:00

In 3 weeks today I will be coming home. The long awaited arrival is coming. I have grown lots since I've been gone no denying that. But it will be different this time. I do not have a past to be afraid of, I am not trying to run from it. No, instead God is going to be using my past to teach me. And continue to transform me. Change mindsets be more compassionate. And different things. I was not sure at first what to expect I just knew I was going to grow in a way that I might not in Saskatoon. I watched pretty in pink yesterday and realized that it really is not the best movie at all to take in for entertainment purposes. t.v. programs really sensor movies but not that I've grown up I had to learn the hard way that one of favorite movies growing up is not a very good movie to watch. Because I want to live in the supernatural and not the natural I hit a hard reality yesterday. I'm going to be learning what from my up bringing is appropriate and what is not, and I will be learning from and leaning on God through a lot. It is definitely going to be a long a maybe hard upward climb. Only as hard as I allow it to be though. God will be with me and will encourage and walk my hand through a lot. He will guide me, and protect me if necessary I love him that way. And am no longer upset but am, trusting and comfortably patient. So, my move home is going to be a good one. And where he takes me afterward is also going to be exciting to see. But one day first.

I'm blessed...

2008-06-28T15:59:00.001-07:00

God help me to continue to always walk in line with you. With your word. I have an amazing boyfriend. I'm happy to say. And I can say that because we have our friendship to look back on. Still God I want to always be walking in your will fro my life. I want to keep my eyes on you. I was told I might have a job offer in Calgary fro a christian daycare. I want that its a start to where I see myself. Among many other things a day home for single moms is one of them. It won't be for quite a few years but non the less its a start. I'm excited. Thank you God. Thank you.

its been a while......

2008-06-22T21:04:00.000-07:00

I'm really enjoying my summer. Memories with friends that I just know will be there a long time. House sitting for the first time. A job that is pretty boring. Growing tons with God I like that part who wouldn't he's amazing I love him he puts a smile on my face. And my best guy friend. Yes I still talk about him, he is a true blessing in my life even if it does not become more then friends. God is preparing someone for me and I know he has great plans for my life. Plans to pour into generations to come. A big family. Foster kids, adopted, teens, and children. I know I have a lot of love inside my heart and God did not give that to me to share with just my family and friends. NO he has been placing people and kids and teens in my life as far back as I remember to influence, and make differences to and everything. So yes he is a big part of my life now. He has brought a lot into my life, I would never forget him as long as I live. I don't know if he is part of those plans only God knows that I just live each day for God and wait and the rest will fall into place. Thank You God for giving me someone who shares such an intense love for people. NOt just any love but the love that you gave us through your son. Even if he may only be a friend he is a HUGE encouragement. And a huge blessing from you. Thank you. Yours forever. Your Princess. :)

Time for a new post.

2008-06-01T17:22:00.000-07:00

though not much has changed since my last post except the absolute certainty of moving home. And the fact that even being here in Saskatoon I am still experiencing what I call "life feelings." I get these when I go somewhere or talk to someone or adventure through something that's all together new to me. And so I call them "life feelings" Anyway, I spoke to me real dad a couple nights ago for first time since I got him seriously upset at me. And when I got off the phone with him God helped to understand him a bit better. Well last time I talked to him on the phone I challenge all of his thoughts about everything in his life and that did make him quite upset, that would make anyone upset. But when I talked to him recently he was a little more open to talking about a few things so though I got him upset it did something. When I got off the phone with him I though about a few things regarding his life and even though I would really like to get to know my real dad better and build more relationship with him I now understand why he lives where he does and that he travels and everything else but does not really have relationships with his kids. He has lived a hard life and is an old man, well I call him that sometimes anyway. God has blessed with an amazing spiritual father who has been and still is everything that I need in a dad, he even challenges me to be confident in me! Which I think is very cool. So even though I may not have my real dad there all the time to be evidently part of my life, he is still me blood father, I will continue to lift up prayers of blessing for him every time I think of him. And I will continue to be thankful for the spiritual loving dad that God has placed in my life and embrace him just the same. This post will be to be continued............................................

Okay since my sister is the only one to read this and then even she doesn't very much ( which is okay) I will continue it. I made a friend this year. I met him exactly a week after me and my ex broke up so Aug 18 will be one year of knowing him and will agree that we will have to celebrate with dinner. Seems to be something we do from time to time. He's a great friend, he has been such an encouragement to me this year, as it has been the hardest year of my life. The first thing that I saw in him was his heart and how big and swollen it is for people. "He had to be someone of God with that kind of a heart." Was what I was thinking and so it wasn't hard for me to pursue a friendship with him because he did come by the school every few weeks because he had friends here and lived close to the school so it was not hard for him and I to get to know each other. I always enjoyed talking to him since day 1 about anything and with a heart as compassionate as his towards broken people I was able to get to know him and have him get to know me with out sharing about my upbringing. Before you know it nearly 9 months has gone by and we are pretty good friends. I eventually became one of the primary people that he would come and visit, people would often ask me "Are you and Dwayne together?" And would simply answer "No!" I knew that God brought us together that was evident our friendship was pretty profound. We were always able to encourage each other, the more we got to know each other and learned to trust one another the more the walls came down for both parties. Eventually school ended and he still came to visit, and still does today. Over the time of the school year. He would encourage me when I needed it sometimes it would be exactly what I needed to hear other times I needed something from God himself, he has always prayed for me through the school year, which by the way has been very powerful in my life. And he has walked with me through this intense year of growth. Its been an interesting year and something to look back on for sure. And around the end of the school year I decided to start praying for him finally, and everything specific prayer I said to God was answered right away! I would be fine to be his friend nothing more then a good friend and sister in Christ. He is an outstanding man of God, after Gods own heart, with a great heart for people that God wants to share with the world. He is very attractive! I can tell he loves his family, including his Mom. And the one reason I continue to hang out with him is because I feel like I can grow in my own, in our friendship. I can express myself through everything I do which I do a lot. I will stop while taking a walk for the most random reasons, even if its just to take off my shoes so I can walk a mile or a block or two in my bare feet, or walk up along a grassy wall that is 6 foot something in the air just to come running down the other side. Thats just how I love life and live it, I express myself through my actions throught everyday living, whether its a child like expression or God speaking to my heart through his creation I share my self that way. And that sometimes scares people they are not sure how to take it. but I lived 21 years with a hard heart so God and myself don't allow me to hold back from loving life any more. Now that I am healed and restored from my past I feel that much more free to love life. But is something I know is bound to catch someone's eye. I don't feel held back from that when I'm around him, I actually feel like I can be more of me when we do hang out, I do try and spend time with other friends I do not have many out here though. This is another reason why I look forward to moving home. People have been praying that in Gods timing alone our friendship moves to relationship status. I felt as though something has changed between us the last time we hung out. But there has been no communication about anything so I am left in the dark. I know if anything happens it will be in Gods timing not his or mine. I also really like how strong his relationship is with God it gives me trust a confidence that I don't have worry about him. Thanks to talking, to Richard I was able to vent I need that from time to time I'm thinking I should find a primary person to vent. ..

Where I am at.....

2008-05-26T13:10:00.000-07:00

I'm moving home in 3 months and I think there is maybe 2 or 3 people I will miss when I leave. Charissa Snyder you are absolutely beautiful and God has a strong willed incredibly handsome man waiting for you. With a heart after God. Wait for him.
Dwayne you have been such an encouragement in my life this past 10 months. You have watched me grow and be transformed and have encouraged me and walked with me. You have even put up with the ugly side of me and yet you are still me friend standing and praying and encouraging by my side, I can do nothing but thank God for you. God also has an amazing beautiful spirited woman who will make you feel like a king of your world. Wait for her as she waits for you. And Sam Carter last but not least. What can I say about you. You have strength like I have never seen in someone in your shoes. I have known many singe moms and not many of them give as much for their kids as you do for mackenzie. I pray for Gods given strength and patience as he also has an amazing Christ filled man, who will be a best friend to your dad, an answered prayer to many of us. And an amazing strong willed spiritual leader for your little family. I pray that he has an understanding and compassionate heart. And open mind and a love that can only come from God himself. I also pray that he has a sense of humor so you will laught well into your old age, and that he be incredibly handsome. But I pray that God gives you strength and patience for when temptation comes knocking you can stand and say: "NO God has plans for me plans of prosperity of hope and a wonderful future." I pray that God helps you do wait for your future husband as he waits for you. You are a work in progress and so is he. I am moving home and though some people here do not understand why I can only say I'm going to listen to my heart. I don't very often do that I usually listen more to God and less to my heart but in this case I believe that God is leading me home. I dont' honestly believe that he lead me here or that he wanted for me what happened over the past couple years I believe he used it for incredible things but I do not believe that he ever wanted for me what I had to experience. So I am moving home and going to pursue life further at home we will see where God takes me from there. And Amy even though you have not posted for a while, every time I go back to you last post I see it in such a different way. I wish you would post again though.

2008-05-25T12:52:00.000-07:00

I love dancing and I love kids I don't know the two things bring me alive and cheer me up I can't contain myself when either of the two comes around.

LIfe

2008-05-22T19:47:00.000-07:00

Being back did a lot for me. I want to be home. I know that I am not going to be coming home time Sept 1 But I want to come now. I know God will bless the fact that I am staying true to my word and giving up my one week in Manitoba with a beautiful friend and her bf, it almost doesn't seem fair that I don't get that week but I will, I have faith. My brother gets out of jail tomorrow and I'm excited for him but still sad because I am unsure as to when I get to see him next. I am excited on a different note though because I get to start building on relationship with my other brother Daryl and rebuild bridges with my foster family and visit with a cute little angel who stole my heart almost two years ago in hopes that her father can forgive me. I am such a different person today that I was year ago and for that I am happy. I will miss one friend and will miss that fact that he lives 1 min from me. I'm not completely sure what the future holds I just have certain feelings in my spirit that tell me that I am in Gods plans in my life. And one of those feelings is building relationship with my brother. Its weird though I never felt this way about moving to Saskatoon. Only moving home. Most people feel this way when they move away pursuing their future. Maybe its because I was never meant to run away to Saskatoon. I'm coming home where I belong.

AAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-05-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

This is my letting out my frustrations. This way I don't freak out at anyone. Okay I like my job don't get my wrong I like the job I just don't like the hours and the fact that its DRAINING ME!!!! I DON'T WANT TO WORK TOMORROW. And MY SISTER IS PISSING ME OFF ARRRGGGHHH God help me. Why do people have to be so freaking diseaving. I will not swear out of respect for people reading but man do I want to. She pisses me off. She deseaved me in the worst way possible and I HATE IT!!!! God why aaaggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why does she have to be like this why cant't she just change why why why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Keep in mind that as you read this I am incredibly exhausted and am not strong with God right now.

my place in life.

2008-05-02T22:09:00.000-07:00

I almost feel like I might be torn. How is it possible to have two passions that are so strong. My title is my new job because I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY JOB. I never thought I could love a job as much as working with youth. When I was in high school I had a passion it involved cooking and baking and running a restaurant. But not the fast food crap that I was working for when I finished high school no this was the kind of thing that I could pour my heart into. Making food that people never forget the taste of, make desserts that look so good people want to take a picture of them before they eat them. Having my preparations leave smiles and stories with people when they are done. Knowing that people are satisfied with what they eat. And love my job now so much the more because its always something new and I get to see so many different functions. When I left high school I was young and didn't give to rips about where my life was going to go, I just want to live and have fun. Which is probably why I didn't bother to apply to SAIT for Culinary Arts. A part of me, the part that LOVES my job now wishes I wouldn't have fooled around and would have gone to school instead of partying life away. But I guess God has other plans and in the future when I have my own family which btw will be a BIG family I can put that practice to use then for the people I love the most. I still think it would be exciting to go to Culinary Arts. And maybe one day God will give me a chance to who knows, I do know this that this job is God given and a BIG BLESSING and I soak up absolutely every second I can that I am there it will be over in two months so I may as well. I also know that God would not have brought this passion back to my surface for just two months he's got plans for this and I just know it. I am sad though I could be working in a kitchen doing the other thing that I love to do. Please pray for me if you read this and ask God to help direct this for his use and not mine. Thank you

2008-04-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

I am slowly learning what it truely means to wait. Even if you have been friends with the person for 9 months, they might not be ready. Everyone tells me "you will know" I'm not sure what it feels like to "know" but I do know that I want to expience it. And I do know what it feels like to "not know." You can not be a mans knightingale ( I believe that is how Mrs. Antle put it) and you cannot change a man. This is what my ex tried doing and the lesson that rings on in my head. You cannot change a person only God can. And no matter how attractive the guy may be, no matter how well you know them an dno their heart and their calling or gifting, if they do not having the confidence or courage to step to you and share you feelings you will soon get uninterested or turned off. A girl wants to be faught for, swept off her feet, she wants to know that its not just for fun but for good. Like some of my fav lyrics go

It it ani't true love's not worth the trouble if it ain't true its no more the a lie
If it ain't true baby then who needs the heartache aren't we all just looking to find true love.

I have loved and lost. But he was not the one. I have grown and changed and now I wait faithfully for you. God I know you will be faithful in your good timing. And yes it is a dream of mine but a dream the will come true in your timing. It was just recently that I realized that I have not kissed a guy for 2 years and 2 months. I havenot cuddled with a guy since my ex boyfriend. I do not want to let any part of myself go until I meet him. I want that to be a solume promise made to God. I do not want that tingley feeling when I touch their hand, or the butterflys in the tummy, I do not want any of thoughs funny feelings. Unless it is him and only him. Its just to much to worry about, and its just not worth it unless it comes true.
I enjoy getting to know people and being able to encourage them and having them get to know me. maybe they will become like a brother and be as protective over me as my real brother is, God send me spiritual brothers to walk with while my brother is not here. But God also bring my brother here. Life is so different right now. I get to live free of my past, look forward to the future GOd sends people I can encourage with my own life. And right now I feel like he gives me part of others burdans so they have someone to be compassionate to them. Life is good right now and though I miss my family and my beautiful best friend Melissa I will see them soon.

Not wanting to be here!!!

2008-03-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be here anymore. Sherry I'm right there with you, now that I have been home and back I am homesick. I miss Melissa and my sisters. I miss my dad and my church yes I even miss that church. There is a new kind of growth for me there. I will have to rely on God fro what I need at that church. Being here in Saskatoon I feel so uncertain but being at home, well home is where the heart is right. Now to much longer to go I guess.I will be back in May which will be great. I was watching something on t.v. a scene from a wedding where the bride throws the bouquet and someone catches it. Well in the seen it was a little girl who caught it, then I got thinking "that the tradition at weddings, I wonder when I will get a chance to catch that next. Then I remembered Nolan and Sherry's wedding" I don't know if I want to catch it. I usually don't try to it makes me nervous I think. Will if God wants it to fall into my hands then it will. Yes I do want that to happen one day but in Gods good timing. is it bad of me to dream once though. I'm laughing at myself as I type this, I'm such a nerd. Yeah I totally went off track with this post. Either way I cannot wait till I come home. BUt I also look forward to june, july, and august with Just God. There probably will be others here but for the most part it will be me soaking up time with God. Hes great, he amkes me happy, he expands my vocabulary. And helps me with my math.

God you are Faithful when my faith is gone.

2008-03-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

I love those words from Amanda Falk. She is such an inspiration and absolutely talentd and gifted I wonder if she knows that she helps girls her own age throughs life.
I'm working towards the last 2 weeks of school and, oh how I wish it would just end. I went home for easter and quite enjoyed it. Since I have been back I have realized that there is so much growth for me back home that I do not want to be here anymore. I feel like I"m almost clastiphobic inside these walls I've been here for to long I need to put my education to work! God Help Me!!! Also I will be moving home at the end of august I look forward to that. I have not talked to my real mom since I think just after Christmas and I am grateful for that as I can grow deeper spiritually. She hinders that, mom I love you but I love God more!! I also look forward to being able to relax in Gods presence over the summer. There is a very bit significant amount of growth waiting for me back home.

I'm confident in the fact that I am coming home and it feels good!!!

2008-03-18T19:24:00.000-07:00

I am coming home this Thurs for Easter then again in May for the month. Then I get to go out to Manitoba for a week to visit friends I'm excited about that Heather and Andrew and friends it will be a splendid time. I'm will be moving home at the end of Aug and I'm beaming with excitement on what I can share with my friends and family not only of what I have learned about life but also about myself while I have been out here. I'm officially in love with the movie Pride & Prejudice. My favorite character in that movie is, oh bother I can't remember hew name. Um Keira Knightly I believe her real name is, I'm sure my sisters know who I'm talking about. That is such a Archer movie to watch. I'm still terrible at typing on the computer I still am not able to type with out looking at the key board and even then I make mistakes. And I still say the word like a lot, although I only say that word when I am talking but when I am writing or typing it does not come out will dad and by the power of the Holy Spirit we will break this retched habit I really do not enjoy it anymore. I have been trying to speak proper grammar for a while now not because I feel I have to because I do not care what others think of me, but because I want to I just prefer how proper grammar sounds as oppose to what I was raised with. I am also excited to be able to live life with my loved ones, with the freedom of possible visits to see school friends. I hate to mention the fact that I do not think I will come back to this school unless of course God calls me back here and for who ever reads this ask me when I am home and I will be happy to explain this to you. I am going now I'm not sure if anyone actually reads this but here I go again typing up a new post.

God is Amazing! He knows no Bounds!

2008-03-14T15:15:00.001-07:00

I'm here I'm alive more then I ever have been. God you are so good to me you have given me friends that bless my life so much. Beautiful, gracious, patiente, accepting friends. I love them all. As I continue to look forward I do also look back at where I was and smile at your amazement at who I'm becoming. And I can do nothing else but praise you and thank you, I would not be where I am today without you in my life.

You have transformed my mind God, the way I think the way I feel the way I see.
I look back to who I was an there is just one thing i wish I could do....
To someone inparticular

I want to say I'm sorry!
If I ever hurt you, or insulted you.
If I ever offended you, or made you so absolutely frustrated.
I'm sorry for the time you spent the effort you gave.
Though it seemed like at the time it was not making a difference,
that it did not do anything. And I might have said some things that made
your mind just dumb founded.
You know who you are, I know who you are. I want you to know that I carry it all with me.
The good times and the hard times, funny, and special times.
Though sometimes it might have seemed like I cared very little I cared with everything I had.
You meant a lot to me and still. If only I can tell you how much your encouraging words have helped me. GOd used you in more ways when you will ever realize, he showed me a lot through you. Now that God is number one if my life I can honestly look back and say that you were a gift from God and I will always carry that with me.

Ok so as I continued writing this I started crying and just did not stop. So I had to go and talk to someone and I knew exactly who. So I went and talked her and she helped me.
I though I had to get these thoughts out but I don't think I do so much anymore.
I just need to trust God. He has been amazing this far and will take me even further.
God help me to not look back anymore I do not want to look back I want to continue to look forward and press I do not want to count down the time but soak up every second of life. Help my to press forward with excitement for every minute. Because you have my life already planned out and I only need trust for every single step. Please help me to look and press forward with excitement for every single step. I love you God and do not want to be hindered any more I do not want to constantly be looking back, the past holds nothing for me. I want to look forward to your promises and abundant prosperous plans for my life. Thanks you God for being my strength in times of trouble, for being my sheild against the enemy, for being my rock when the storm comes. I love you. And would love to do nothing more then help the world discover and live in you love.

Yours Alone, Valerie

God be willing, send me use me.

2008-03-09T20:06:00.000-07:00

I named this blog for the reason that I have been trying to follow Gods leading in my life, um pretty well since the Dec before I turned 21 and its been getting easier and easier the older I get and further I go. I came out to sask almost a year ago, a relationship I was not ready for ended 3 weeks before school started and I was heart broken, it was purely by the grace of God that I have recovered and do not have any feelings left for him. I could not even see myself with him again. I still do respect him I know him to be a geat friend and very spirit filled. However despite the brakeup I learned and grew a lot in that relationship and I do thank him for helping me move out here. Though I did not accept a lot of things that he had to encourage me with while I was dating him, I only wish I could tell him that I have taken a lot of those things with me after we broke up. My first 6 months of school God used for my growth. Now I am free to say that Christ is in me and I in him. My old life does not control me anymore because it died when I died to Christ. For along time after I got out of foster care I have been very bitter towards the system (social services) my brothers and myself had the crap end of the system and I saw way to many of my friends thrown around and given up by the system. So you can see why I have been bitter towards them for a long time now. Since I have been out of high school in 04 I knew I was going to be attending bible college for youth ministry about a year ago maybe more God put foster kids on my heart but I gave that up for a while as I had to be open to his direction. Mar 7,8 we had a seminar at school teaching on Contemporary issues in Youth Ministry taught by Marv Penner. He help me understand the other side of social services and he also pointed out that Gods grace has been on my life as I am a product of the system. He told me that maybe God might be wanting to use me to go back to the system and help to be a change. The days following his words to me I have not stopped thinking about this and the possibilities that can happen. I do believe that social services was put into place to help youth in bad homes otherwise it would not have grown to so big, but it took a wrong turn somehwere and causes people with such big hearts to go into servival mode and not be everything God intended them to be in the position. I have a lot to give experience, heart, compassion, perspective, new creative and helpful ideas, and most important a vessel for God. So God be willing send me to social services help me help them and the thousands of youth they take in all around the world on a weekly, monthly, even yearly bases.

Chats with friends

2008-03-01T15:23:00.000-08:00

I really enjoy having chats with friends. I talked with a friend today who is in her first year of youth ministry at Briar Crest and though I do not get a chance to talk to her very much through school she does come back to the city when she's not in school so I do get to talk to her when she is home and i get more insight and clarity for my with thoughts. I do not know where I am going to be taking my second year of school but I do know that right now I feel calm about coming home. I'm excited to come home in May I'm excited to see what God has planned for me. And I still feel pretty good about moving home. I like the idea of taking sometime off to pay school fees and student loans this year away from home has been amazing. I can definitely say I'm changed and am more excited every day for life with God. I also can say that I do not plan on leaving education incomplete. That would not be smart of my to do. My education for my second year is in Gods hands. I will end with this; I'm coming home. HOME SWEET HOME HERE I COME. I can feel the chinook wind already. Smiles all around.

The Light went On..

2008-02-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

The Dream Centre was amazing, when I got there I felt right at home right away. The people there aren't like I've met any where else, they are so full of Christ, so welcoming, and excited to see new poeple that it makes you want what they have. Its contagious! The first ministries that we did were the food ministries. The food chapel, Under the bridge, and um Skid row. Which all involved feeding the homeless. Skid row was probably the scariest as we were in the heart of the homeless of downtown, L.A. and it seriously scared me. But we did go back at 1:30 to hand out hot food and that allowed me to calm down quite a bit I got to see the other side of those people and it was kind of reassuring that they had sense of humors and weren't all that scary at all. I really wanted to stay there but then realized that I would not be able to leave loved my ones back home and would miss them to much. Which I do believe is from God. Its not my calling to move to L.A. and be that far from home. We did get a day of shopping which was nice I did not have much money but thats ok I have the memories. Bty Utah and Arizona are some of the most boring states in America. And next time I go traveling I want to be with family, Jeff, The Archers, Melissa, maybe one of my brothers, and Jeane (if you can hack it Jeana.) and if life ever allowed it Sharon as well.

My lessons on another note from being down there is, that I can build relationship and watch the power of the Holy Spirit, break down the strong holds in peoples lives here in Canada with persistance and perseverance. God has already given me names of a few and will speak and act through me. I just have to be willing to be used by him.

As for my revelation, when I was watching and listening to Pastor Matt speak and his wife I remembered that yes I am always in the spot light as a Christian, but as a Pastor they are being they watched from all angles not just on the stage but off as well. Also God was constently reminding me how much I hate being in the spot light, I hate being the center of attention which would not work out very well being a big name in ministry. as well a certain school peer told me almost a month ago about 4 weeks ago that I might not be working directly with youth and I became really defensive towards that, my thoughts were why would he tell me that when I have had this passion for so long, but in the same week my wonderful dad and closely trusted spiritual mentor said the exact same thing to me word for word so needless to say, I decided to start listening to God. Around this time I also had to look at who he paces in my life to be spiritual mentors Sharon, Gwen and Doug ( they're a packaged deal), Mom and Dad, even my friend Heather's mom. By noticing this pattern I realized that all of these people did not have a big name in Chirstian history but were very spiritual people divinely placed in my life to mentor me. They may not have the big titles but they are people that I do constantly observe the little things that seem so significant to me. Sharon is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met and gotten to know and God is always speeking through her to me. Mom and dad, well I don't even know where to begin anyone who is in my life just knows why they are important. and Doug and Gwen though I'm still getting to know them I love the relationship and connection they have as a married couple they were friends for like 3 or 4 years before they got married and they are each others bestfriends, they have 3 girls who are all around my age or older with kids of their own. and only now are they going onto Pastor a church. And a girl from L.A. my Ohio friend Melissa asked me what I used to want to be when I was little and I honetly told her I wanted to travel and be the break in the chain for my disfunctional family. The cry of my heart when we were on the road and having fun sight seeing was "I want my loved ones here to shared this with, The archers, Jeff, Melissa, yes even Jeana, and my real family man that would be amazing for my real family. I realized over my trip how much I want to be used where God can use me but, my hearts desire is Family and friends. If I'm going to be out there traveling like that and seeing Gods splendor and majelsty everywhere I want my family and close friends to be right beside me to share it with me I want to give everything that God gives to my family. And that is not just the archers no I really do honestly love my real family and I look forward to the day when they can live freely in Gods grace strength, love, joy, peace, and majesty.

I think thats all for now.

2008-02-14T08:24:00.001-08:00

I'm really beyond nerveous everyone please pray forme I know that God is with me. I also know that everyone gets nerveous before their first missions trip I just wish that I would have gotten these nerveous feelings like a month ago and not now. Keep me in your prayers Everyone.

Going to L.A.

2008-02-13T08:34:00.000-08:00

I'm going to L.A. in less then 2 days to be exact its in1 day, 19 hors, 24min. ok well not exact because I don't have the seconds but thats as precise as it gets. Anyway I was nervous for a while but Sharon Beere, God bless your beautiful heart. Gave me some scripture to meditate on and it has been helping andmy friend Dwayne reminded me to just thank God. So i have been just praising God for everything. I can't wait until we go the adventure is going to be awesome. God you are amazing, you are awsome, words can not even begin to describe my adoration, and love for you. I love you, you are my world. I would not be here to day with out you thankyou.

2008-02-07T20:42:00.000-08:00

HI JAMES ROSSO WELCOME TO MY BLOG

Ok so more info for my last post.

2008-02-07T20:21:00.000-08:00

God has given me a kind of encouragement that could only come from him.He gave me a taste of what could come.How did you do this? We had a city wide youth rally at our school called Converge that happens every year, I got to spend the week with 7 girls ages 12,13. I loved them and they loved me per usual ( it anyone knows me this is not a surprise) I'm gifted I know i am, well on the sat God told me I was not ready which kind of really brought me down. How could he give me a taste of what I am here to pursue and not let me do exactly that. I have a good friend out here that GOd had let get in on this prior to Converge this friend knew that I was not ready before I knew and had been praying for me in advance. And when I got my chance to talk to my friend they encouraged me on what I can do to ready myself to be a youth pastor for these lovely young girls that stole my heart over the weekend. Sorry I meant to say youth leader I got ahead of myself, they already have a youth pastor whom by the way is a great guy.

As for Bridal College.. cough Faye cough!!!
And maybe Amy to if you are reading this..

I am in bible college I did talk to my counselor this Monday we went to timmy's so it was casual comfortable. She told me that most people who meet and marry in bible college usually did not come to college in pursuit of a partner. They came in pursuit of their calling which is why I am here. MY CALLING God has to be intervening and seriously speaking to both of us loud and clear in EVERY aspect of mine and any mans life. I on the other hand am focusing on me and God and if my focus starts to stray I will do exactly what I have been doing since school has started. I will ask God to help me stay true to me convictions. That and I honestly know what it means now to seek godly council. I have a mentor couple out here who mentors me in many different ways. Right now I am pursuing the gifting God has given me and that field of ministry. Thats all for now!! Love You With All My Heart my sister. And Amy.

The here and now.

2008-02-06T17:27:00.002-08:00

I've discovered the indescribable Joy and assurance and peace of having God be your absolute all in life. NO one else can satisfy me and mor like he can adn I can't explain it its just something that you willhave to see in person because you can see it in who I am and how I live and I've also discovered how awesome it it to be able to pursue your gifting and calling I love it man God is absolutely amazing woooohhh.

The here and now.

2008-02-06T17:27:00.001-08:00

I NEED PRAYER FOR FOCUS AND STRENGTH

2008-01-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

Faye if you get this please pray or sindy and amy anyone don't pray that God would make it possible but that he gives me the strength to focus on my school work. I spoke to a friend yesterday on the phone a good friend he always has been a good friend, like a brother, or at least I thought until my emotions started getting the best of me i've gotten on my knees and asked GOd for focus but I need more prayer. my friend and I spoke for like an hour and ahd a great concersation about what God has been teaching us in the past 4 months, But I can't help at least not on my own to think about him. Help me!! Pray for me. I NEED FOCUS!!!!! AND STRENGTH!!!

My Husband

2008-01-19T18:22:00.000-08:00

Finally! God has brought me to a point in my life where we can start growing together. No, I"m not wearing a ring but ya know i don't think I need one. Because my joy and love and light the way I feel and how happy you make me. It shows in everything I do in everything we do, you are my all and my everything you know me better then anyone, you will never leave me nor forsake me. I love you, it makes me so excited to spend time with you I could cry I love how much you tell me you love me. And how much I mean to you. I want you and me to be everything forever God don't ever let me lose this felling in me. I love you and I love our times together. Yours always and forever. Valerie

me

2008-01-19T09:49:00.000-08:00

There will be more pics of me to come I jsut need to get them up.

What's to come?

2008-01-18T10:51:00.000-08:00

So, I typed this one out before I left for lunch but I guess it did not save so here I go again.

My first year living away from home is quickly coming to an end, and my thought's.. what's next? And as i type this out I think my thoughts and feelings on this topic are changing. I have had a very hard first year away from home. And here is the story.

Jan 27 will be my 9 months of living in saskatoon. When i first moved out here, as I think about it I laugh now I thought the first 3 weeks was hard at the time, they were a walk in the park, Paul my now exboyfriend moved out here and hey that was great I had someone here, I knew someone I was not alone. I knew I had God always but I did not live out that knowledge.
The first 7 months of that realitonship back home were great. I felt very inlove. but that was very short lived after I moved out here. Aug 11 roled around and the one person who meant the world to me was now breaking up with me, and what was I going to do force him to stay with me? I think not. I could do nothing but agree. My long time relationship came to an abrupt hult and I could not believe it. I remember the pain, I remember thinking.. how could this be? how is he no longer in my life? And even after we broke up he said we would be friends but I haven't seen any progression towards that at all. Will needless to say I did go to school and continue to live my life like normal. School did help as I moved into dorm and went to work and lived in school It helped me to get over the memory of him, although little did I know as I started councelling I had been closing myself off from the community God has provided for me. The first week of school God took me through a Dark night of the soul period. (at least thats what Richard J. Foster calls it) I felt like my spirit was empty God wasn't there, he was providing for my needs but he was not with me, I felt alone and isolated. Pitch Black is what I saw in my head. This carried on for about a week and then for another two weeks God was not responding or answering or talking to me at all he distanced himslef from me and I hated it. Well, after this was all done he cam eback and we were cool for a while, until I decided to focus more on my schedule and not so much on God and so because I decided to stay at a happy medium with God I did not pray I did not read my Bible or write in my journal, I felt like I was growing further and futher away from God. And in my thought life I was becoming someone I did not want to be, I was all around becoming someone I did not want to be, up until last sunday I did not know how to gtet my self out of the dark whole that I dug myself into, I had been asking GOd to help get me out of it I didn't like how far from him I felt. last sunday he answered my prayers and released form my horrible nightmare that I have been experiencing for so long. But now my only thought is, whats to come? If I had to go through such a long period of dread and misery, emptiness, darkness. What is it all for? what does my future hold? My ceriousity has gotten the best of me.

The things that I have learned through all of this, God is our strength, Jehovah, Jirah, Nissi, rightousness, shepard. And is still there even in the darkest of times and he will see us through.

We need not be afraid, for fear is of the devil. But we can walk in rightousness with our heads held high because we are of royel blood.

My birthday lesson

2008-01-05T22:32:00.000-08:00

So, I'm 23 now I feel it but I wasn't really celebrated. I don't know if I will ever get used to my birthday being just another day I don't think I want to get used to it. And it might have something to do with how I grew up it might not but my birthday is and also has been important to me I try to go out of my way to make everyone else feel special everyday my birthday is the one day a year I get to be special is that to much to ask? My Archer family did alot to make me feel special and I appreciate them and what they did. I love you guys my heart goes out. And I know if my family was around they would have done something significant for me to I love them too! It still kind of felt like jsut another day though and I dont' know if that will ever change. more later.

Ok so I have realized that I am more blessed then I thought on my birthday. The kitchen ladies made me a birthday cake and I was suppost to have it on my birthday but I was working so I could not so, we ate it today instead I am blesses and God made sure I knew it on my birthday most of all. Thanks God!!

Life is hard!

2008-01-04T16:18:00.000-08:00

Okay so I know that God blesses perseverence but its HARD!! This is my first birthday away home and my family and I have already cried I know that I have friends here to spend the night with me tonight and tomorrow night, I do not tlak ot them about how much I miss my family because I do not want them to feel unappreciated I do appreciate them but having fellowship over food with my sister and my parents and my closest girls/guy friends is what I really miss. Living away from home is not easy actually it's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Thank God I have God.

P.S. Is it okay to hang out with a guy go to a movie, concert walk and such and just be friends? NO more no less?

Christmas!?!

2007-12-31T17:41:00.001-08:00

I spent christmas this year with my real family. I also learned alot from the experience about myself. I learned that because of the growth and transformation(I love that word) that God has had me go through in the past four months I am a changed person my values, beliefs, and the way I love life has changed. I feel like I have come out of the fog and have finally realized what I have been missing. because of the work that God has supernaturally done in my life I do face every single day with a smile and a bounce in my step. I'm not afraid of anything bacause I know that God is always with me. Jehovah Rohi.